As a result of the reduction on money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The programme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided that they are being RAPED they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a Benefit Plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If an employee feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.