A new priest was so nervous at his first Mass that he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass."
So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the begining of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:
To Our New Curate - A Few Tips.
- Sip the vodka don't gulp it.
- there are 10 commadments not 12.
- there are 12 deciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.
- The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
- David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
- The virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
- The recommened grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
- Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling conest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.