The Smartest West Virginian Hillbilly in Texas

Obediah was the Smartest West Virginian Hillbilly living in the State of Texas. He knew a lot about how to cipher numbers, he knew 17 of the ABCs and he knew enough to leave West Virginia before being forced to marry his sister. In other words, he was one bright Mountain Man.

One afternoon, Obediah was going through the woods so that he could check on his cranberry bog. Obediah liked to get the cranberries when they were ripe, mash them up, and make some Cranberry Moonshine with them. He was powerful thirsty this day, so he took a five gallon bucket with him to the bog so he could load up and make a real nice cocktail for himself.

However, as Obediah got nearer to the bog, he heard some school girls paddling around in amongst his berries. He recognized a couple of them right away, they were his wife's children from another marriage, his first cousin Elizabeth and a couple of other hillbilly teenage girls from his church. Since Obediah had recently flooded the bog, the girls had more than enough room to swim and most of them had taken off all their clothes to do so, since they were too poor to wear bathing suits.

When the buxom girls saw Obediah, they were shocked since they were all god-fearing girls who had just made a mistake. They began going under the water in the bog, hiding behind the submerged cranberry bushes, anything to stay out of the way of Obediah's wondering eye. The most brash of the girls, Elizabeth, shouted out to Obediah, "Hey Obediah, you dirty old man. Get out of here, we're mostly naked here and we're not showing off any of our girly goodies to you. As you know, we are too closely related to you anyway!"

Obediah just chuckled to himself. As the smartest West Virginian Hillbilly living in Texas, he could have his pick of any woman in town, he didn't need to pick up some cranberry-drenched vixens with sludge all over them. But, he still liked the womanly form and wasn't going to pass up a chance for a free look if he could get one. After pondering the problem, Obediah hatched his scheme.

So Obediah shouted back, "Sorry to disappoint you fine ladies, but I came down here to pick up some cranberries for my still. I didn't come down here to see you cavorting around like a pack of city-slicker lesbians." The girls were relieved until Obediah added, "By the way, did any of you young ladies find my Cranberry Bog Rattle Snakes? I put 'em in the bog to guard my berries, but I forgot to feed them yesterday!"

Epilogue: And that's why they still call Obediah the Smartest West Virginian Hillbilly in the State of Texas.